I know I have been gone for a long time, but here is some sort of explanation, well not really. It’s me finally understanding this part of my life. this is not edited except for the basic spellcheck, this is straight from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for listening and sticking around.
My relationship with creativity has been a fluctuating one. Sometimes its my therapist, sometimes it’s a tool I use, other times it’s a way to process and express myself because no other methods work.
But recently these ideas have been circulating in my mind and they aren’t going away. I want 2019 to be different because I want it to be a year of action. Halfway through 2015 until about mid-2017, I was in a tough and dark place. I don’t know how to properly define it other than the fact that there was a dark cloud over my head all the time and looking back I understand a lot of the decisions that I made. They were all rooted in my insecurities. I let my insecurities and self-doubt seep into everything, from what I wrote and created to my relationships with so many different people.
In 2017, I was so over myself, I was done with everything and was just going through the motions. Then in 2018, I don’t honestly know when things started to change, a lot of things did change, and I still don’t fully understand how they have changed.
This isn’t to say that now my life is perfect, I have a lot of insecurities and limiting belief. I still have those days where everything is falling apart and days where I just want to cry. But the thing that’s different now is that I don’t want to stay in that mental state. I have started actively doing things to change my habits.
2018 was a year that I changed. I learned that we are constantly changing and that the decisions I made in the past do not reflect who I am today, yes, they are important, but they should never be defining characteristics of the present you.
Recently, people have told me that I’ve changed. It wasn’t until then that I fully realized how much I have changed and how much I have grown. I am not in a relationship and have never been in one. I used to mope around because of this and thought something was wrong with me. But this year I realized that this is a waste of time, and instead of focusing on this as a negative part of my life, I changed where I put my energy.
I took that energy and invested it in myself. This is not selfish, not at all. I think this is essential to building a solid foundation in your life. I took that energy and tried being there more for my family and friends, and that is a constant battle. I am nowhere near perfect, but I am trying.
For a long time, I distanced myself from the people who mattered to me the most because of some really absurd ideas. I distance myself away from my friends because I didn’t understand how people who were so skinny and pretty could be friends with me. I didn’t understand that people who had so many other friends and were such a people person would want to be friends with me, a quiet introvert who sucks at socializing. I ruined a lot of friendships because I thought I wasn’t good enough to be friends with them.
Just to be very clear, these people have never ever made me feel this way. They never did anything to hurt me or make me feel like this, this was purely how I internalized things and acted on my emotions.
But I am so glad that I realized this because now that I take a step back I see my friends in a whole different light. I see their amazing qualities, how genuine and wholesome they are. How caring and generous they are. Small things about them that I never realized. I am so incredibly proud of each and every one of them. And I am so upset with myself for allowing my insecurities to take over these relationships. But the important part is that I realized that, that I changed the way I am and that I am not going to take them for granted.
I want 2019 to a year where I can work on myself, and my relationship with my friends and family. I want to be there for them, I want to be there for myself.
Its taken me a long time, but I have found my “why” for this blog, for my life in general and for 2019.
My “Why”: to be the best version of myself so that I can help people be their best version of themselves and live a life they are truly happy with.
By this, I mean that working on this blog, expanding this dream, helping others and working on myself is my best self. By doing this, this is me actively working towards the best version of myself.
Life is way to short and somehow this has just hit me, but its true! I have one life and why the hell would I waste it not doing what I truly want to do.
This blog will hopefully help you and I create the life we have always dreamed of living.
So yeah, 2019 here I come.
See you all in the new year, because new things are coming and things are going to change.